create your own world and live in it
how fictional sorcerers and town by the sea helped me to go through one of the worst times of my life
there will be times worse, of course, but that year smelled like death. not because i there was death in my life, but because my creativity and my emotions were dead and rotting.
it was 2019, november. this whole year i was slowly pulling back out of toxic relationships; she was my best friend, my soulmate (or so i thought) and my co-author. we’ve been writing together things i now despise, because it was what she always wanted to create, not me. she just graciously let me participate. and took my ideas to twist them in something ugly.
at that point we barely talked. i was trying to focus on my art and my job, but i wasn’t even able to hold a brush. to this day i wonder why wasn’t i fired back then — i don’t think there was any job done, but alas.
that time i actually thought that maaaybe i should quit illustration at all. now that i think about it, it wasn’t much of a big deal — i’ll have worse times later and longer breaks, and i’m still here, drawing and raging about it. but that time felt like an end of the world, the death of me, because creating stories through pictures was all i wanted to do. it hasn’t changed since.
that’s when the band i listened to, Mili, announced they’ve made a soundtrack for a mobile gacha game — Promise of Wizard. i loved the song, i loved the premise of the game and the characters, and not knowing Japanese couldn’t stop me. it was everything i ever loved since childhood: wizards, magic, pretty crystals and magical tattoos.
one night i couldn’t sleep. i played this game until my phone overheated and then just stared at my dark ceiling. i wish this was somethings i came up with, rang in my head. i wish i created such a world.
finally that’s where get-the-job-done sophie has risen. she made me open the notes app and write just few lines:
a wizard/sorcerer
ancient af
also an ex-knight and it shows
cool but pathetic
long wavy hair
pretends to be a child for some reason??
kind of annoying but means good
it wasn’t a spark of inspiration. forced everything i loved out: Black Butler obsession i had when i was 13, my love for pre-raphaelites and art nouveau, all of my fantasy book crushes, shaken not stirred, a little bit of Chinese xianxia and Final Fantasy.
that’s how Leon, my first original character, was born.
his birth marked an era of my own rebirth. i started building his world — his story, his friends, cosmogony, magic system, even government. for a long time it was all i was thinking about. still did not do a lot of drawing because honestly — it was still painful. funnily enough, writing — the thing i did with my now-ex-friend of 8 years, — was easy and fun once she was gone from my life. so i started writing Leon’s story. countless draft tell about his journey, losses and happiness.
the world started moving again. colors flooded in, the itch to put paints on the paper came back, and slowly but surely i came back to drawing. after Leon i also created Kasper, just a dude, no magic, no skills, just a sheer primal greed for magic.
while Leon was someone i’d like to become in the future, Kasper was a reflection of my art block, times where i, no matter how much i’d like to, couldn’t put any of my ideas of paper. he was empty and hungry, always hungry for magic — it made him insane and put Kasper in danger, just like i fell into a trap of coping mechanisms.
later i create a whole bunch of characters and stories. they are all interlinked — simply because they are all my pieces, my blood, my children; they live in the same world in it’s different layers, and they all have their own stories to tell.
i draw them now all the time. while i’m writing this there’s another red haired boy i’m drawing, Winsor is his name, and he’s a journalist — just like i was in the past. he made a difficult decision i couldn’t make, and i think he’s happy with it, even though Winsor has his own regrets about it.
my characters allow me to step out of myself a little and reflect. what would Leon say to Kasper if he was as stuck as i am now? what would he do if Kas succumbed to his hunger just like i succumbed to alcoholism recently? oh, and there’s no way you catch Winsor slacking off just because his piece is not turning out the way he wants it to be — he would take a small break, yes, but just enough to come back to it with new ideas.
i also made my crush into another character — there’s no chance i could make a move (he’s in relationship), so making a characters based on him best thing i could do to process emotions in a safe manner. albeit after several drunk crashing outs in my friend’s apartment but that’s not the point.
then there’s Caligo, a town by the northern sea. it’s always cold, it’s always autumn in Caligo, and it’s where Winsor and his friends live. it’s my safe space — whenever i feel like the world is too much for me, i draw the Postal Office and Winsor’s bright curls. in inks mostly — even Winsor’s surname is inspired by Windsor&Newton inks.
when i don’t know what to draw, i go to these little guys. they live in my head and on the pages of my sketchbooks, but i’d really love to share their stories one day. maybe someone will find their own reflection in them. maybe someone will, too, find solace in their stories.
and now when my mom asks about my plans on children, i just show her my characters. that kind of makes the job done.
song of the day: this amazing piece that always makes me feel a little more whimsy
feeling of the day: the low vibration of the world when the thunder hits; a petrichor.